I'm A Quitter!

So I got an e-mail from my coach today:

Hi Irene,
I haven't seen you at practice so far this semester, so just wanted to confirm with you that you are not planning to row this season with the team. Let me know if you are no longer on the team, or are planning on being a part of the team but haven't' been able to make the team sessions because of your schedule.
Thanks
Anna

I responded with (Mike helped me think of what to say):

Dear Anna,
I was hoping to row this season for the team, but I have been having many conflicts with the schedule. However, once we start morning practices, I feel that I will be able to make practices, especially since the team needs members. I plan on running to Harvard tomorrow morning, so we can discuss this more then. Thank you for your concern.
Sincerely,
Irene

Then I thought more and sent another email:

Dear Anna,
Sorry for the last e-mail. I have thought things over, and realize I really won't be a positive contribution to the team. Ultimately my schoolwork has to come first, and I'm simply finding it too challenging to keep up with both. However I really hope you have a great season!
Sincerely,
Irene

This is still sinking. I could hear my mother's voice echoing in my mind as I wrote the second email. I could hear her telling me so many times that I can't do everything. That I need to stop trying to be a people pleaser. I realized that no I don't enjoy it. I enjoy working out, I even enjoy rowing, but I don't enjoy crew. I don't care much for most of my teammates. If I'm going to be spending this much time doing something I would like to be with a group of people I really like. I don't want to go to any more team dinners wishing I was eating with my own friends. I don't want to go to the gym anymore wishing I was there with my friends instead. I don't want to keep letting this team down because I keep missing practice because I have classes, and yes I believe my schoolwork is more important, and if I didn't have class I had too much work, some other activity I couldn't miss, or I was just simply too tired. I guess it was so hard for me to quit because I knew that they barely have enough people to make a team and they really needed me. But either way I'd be letting everyone down. Ugh. The word "quitter" just keeps resonating throughout me. Yet again, another failure. I feel ashamed? I feel lame. I feel like I just wasn't good enough. Quitting admits defeat. I don't like defeat. So is life. I guess it gets easier every time. Someday I'll figure out exactly what I want.

Well at least now that I don't have to stay here for spring break I will be going home! I can't wait, I'm already sick of this place again. I feel trapped. Although I'm coming back early because my sister and brother in law already confirmed a flight to come visit me at the end of break, thinking I'd be here because of crew. Oh well, it should be fun I haven't seen them in forever. I'll have to clean my room...