So is Life...

I was just so exhausted. I passed out at around 12:30, but then woke up at 2:30. I was then wide awake, so decided I might as well take a needed shower. Its now almost 5:30, and I can't sleep. Its a vicious cycle because I can't make myself sleep. The only way to correct this is to force myself to wake up the next day, be miserable for a day and then pass out from exhaustion. I keep trying, but just keep failing. In turn I sleep during the day, and miss about half of my classes. Other people manage to attend every single class without question. For me its a daily struggle. Everything is a struggle.

I was trying so hard this semester to change things. It was going to be different, I was going to do well and not give up. Yet I already feel like I'm hitting the breaking point again. I've already failed two tests this semester. I've only had two tests this semester. I can make up a series of excuses for why I failed each to make myself feel better, but really they're just excuses. I fucked things up once again. I like to say that I'm a member of the crew team, but how can I call myself that when I skip more practices then I attend. Once again I tell myself, oh well my classes run late, or I had midterms, or I was just so stressed this week. These excuses aren't convincing me or my teammates. I could easily go straight to practice right after class. Why couldn't I wake myself up that morning? Why did I decide to get drunk the night before and miss practice? I thought about quitting, but after talking to a teammate, they really really need me. So now I just feel guilty. Either way I'm a let down. If I quit the team I let them down, if I don't quit but don't put the effort I let the team down. I'm trying I tell myself I really am. But am I? I just need to get my priorities straight. But then there goes my social life, and without any social life I go insane. Without my dinners with my friends, or just hanging out from time to time I don't think I could handle it. But then if its not my social life, then its my schoolwork.

Ultimately I'm just overwhelmed, and yet I don't even feel like I'm doing enough. I feel like the biggest slacker ever. I see people around me with jobs, taking hard classes, studying late in the library or in eaton, double majoring, with all sorts of extracurriculars. I just don't match up. I mean yeh, I'm not supposed to compare myself to other people... as long as I try hard blah blah blah. But really, when it comes down to it, isn't everything just a big competition? I'm trying to regain my focus, but day after day passes, week after week, and I'm just not changing.

I haven't even touched my violin or saxophone this entire year. I try not to care, but obviously I do if I can't stop thinking about it.

I feel like there is so much unnecessary drama in my life, and really its only drama because I care. I am angry and hurt. I'm not over it, and I feel betrayed. How can you lead me on like that for so long, and then with absolutely no explanation, just drop me. Just drop me and step on me. You pretended to care. Were you seriously faking everything? Just as I started to trust you I realize what a mistake that was. And then you, who I finally forgot about decide to come waltzing back into my life. I told myself not to have hard feelings, and yet you let me down once again. Well thanks for nothing, please just let me be. And then there is you, you pretend to be such a nice person, but really you're just using me and you know it. You know how I feel about it, and I suppose its partly my fault for letting it happen, but really I blame you. You should know better than to do this to me. And so I try and find comfort elsewhere, but I will ultimately just be hurting others and myself.

My eating habits have gone to shit. I eat candy or cookies just about every night. I don't ever eat breakfast or lunch. I binge eat pizza just about every week... and then I wonder why I still look pregnant.

I don't want to feel like this anymore. I feel like I'm repeating myself. I keep rewriting the same post over and over again. I want to reach the day where I will only write about happy things, and how great things are. I want to reach the day where I don't even have time for a journal because everything is so fabulous. I at least want to be upset about something else. But so is life.