Brink of insanity

I haven't updated in a while. I think that may be in part because my blogspot feels so much more... official? to me than my livejournal. With my livejournal I felt like I could just write one sentence and it was a legit entry. Now I need substance and thought for my entries. hmm. I suppose nothing toooo exciting has been going on. Still just struggling to keep going. Trying to keep track of my life and not let it completely slip me by. I literally feel like I keep losing touch with reality. Like I keep forgetting what I'm doing with my life. What I'm supposed to be doing. What the point of everything is. I have concluded that I am a very very emotional person. I do extremes. I can be very depressed or very happy. I thrive on the emotional rollercoaster. I love emotions just as much as I hate them. Its not worth it to me if I don't give things my all. I like to take the risks. I like to feel both the pain and the glory.

Ugly Day

It is such an ugly day outside. All rainy and cold, I was really enjoying the sunny weather. oh well. I don't know what's wrong with me. My stomach has been hurting for the past few days, but its not that bad, it doesn't feel like the stomach flu or anything. Yet it persists... At first I thought it might have been just from stress but its not going away, and its kind of freaking me out. I also haven't been hungry like at all lately. Which is weird because I usually eat and eat and eat - or if I don't eat at least I'm hungry. I haven't really eaten for about the past four days, and that is scary. Four days without eating and I'm still not the slightest bit hungry?! Last night I got a little bit of food and figured I needed to force myself to eat something, but it just wasn't sitting well so I stopped. I don't know. I have so much work to do... and somehow I'm not really feeling stressed out about it. oh well.

Oh yeh, I'm NOT illiterate...

So why don't I read more? I started reading the book Caucasia for class, and realized that I really like reading - good books. I think just the overwhelming majority of books I had to read in high school were just so incredibly boring... and ever since I've only been required to read textbooks and I forgot that yes, reading can actually be FUN. Minus the fact that I can't sit still for extended periods of time... I really enjoy reading... which helps explains why I'm awake at this ungodly hour when I'm trying to actually attend my classes tomorrow...

I'll leave you with some jokes that are sort of cute:

TEACHER: Maria, go to the map and find North America.
MARIA: Here it is.
TEACHER: Correct. Now class, who discovered America?
CLASS: Maria.
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TEACHER: John, why are you doing your math multiplication on the floor?
JOHN: You told me to do it without using tables.
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TEACHER: Glenn, how do you spell "crocodile?"
GLENN: K-R-O-K-O-D-I-A-L"
TEACHER: No, that's wrong
GLENN: Maybe it is wrong, but you asked me how I spell it.
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TEACHER: Donald, what is the chemical formula for water?
DONALD: H I J K L M N O.
TEACHER: What are you talking about?
DONALD: Yesterday you said it's H to O.
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TEACHER: Winnie, name one important thing we have today that we didn't have ten years ago.
WINNIE: Me!
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TEACHER: Glen, why do you always get so dirty?
GLEN: Well, I'm a lot closer to the ground than you are.
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TEACHER: Millie, give me a sentence starting with "I."
MILLIE: I is...
TEACHER: No, Millie..... Always say, "I am."
MILLIE: All right... "I am the ninth letter of the alphabet."
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TEACHER: George Washington not only chopped down his father's cherry tree, but also admitted it. Now, Louie, do you know why his father didn't punish him?
LOUIS: Because George still had the ax in his hand.
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TEACHER: Now, Simon, tell me frankly, do you say prayers before eating?
SIMON: No sir, I don't have to, my Mom is a good cook.
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TEACHER: Clyde, your composition on "My Dog" is exactly the same as your brother's. Did you copy his?
CLYDE: No, teacher, it's the same dog.

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TEACHER: Harold, what do you call a person who keeps on talking when people are no longer interested?
HAROLD: A teacher

Instinct

I came to the realization that I base my life on instinct. Maybe everyone does? Maybe for others its not as noticeable? For example, many times my mind tells me one thing, but my instinct tells me another. I may rationalize things and come up with one conclusion, but then my gut instinct tells me the opposite. Sometimes I wonder if I should have made different choices. I just wonder how different my life would be if I had chosen a different path. Would I be happier? I will never know, but I will always have that doubt in my mind; that "what if." I try and just live in the moment of things, be spontaneous, and not think too much about the things I do. But its hard. I want things to go in ways I never would have expected. I want things to work out. I just don't know anymore. I really don't know. Everything in my life is going by so fast. So many things are changing, and its not that I don't like change, its just that I'm scared. I force myself to do the very things I fear. I work to overcome those fears.

It's A Beautiful Day!

Today was such a beautiful day. As I was walking to the campus center I thought to myself, I just need a rainbow and it would be perfect. Anyway, I've noticed that my mood has seriously improved in direct relation to the good weather. I think I really do have SAD. Or maybe everyone just generally gets happier with good weather. I'm not skipping class nearly as much because its not torture to walk to them, and well.. because my current sleeping schedule is completely wack. For about the past week, I've been going to sleep at around 7 or 8 pm. Sometimes as early as 4 pm, taking random naps when I can. Then I'll wake up at like 3am to do work, and stay up until the next day again. I have also noticed I consistently wake up after about 90 minutes or so. I've concluded that my body has learned to wake up after a REM cycle. Maybe I'm just making stuff up, but it sort of makes sense to me. Its been working pretty well, and now I can wake up at these intervals and I'm never nearly as tired as when my alarm wakes me up in the middle of a deep sleep.

Anyway, I finally finished my essays for my women's studies midterm today at 4:15 pm, and submitted them in class at 4:30. I was definitely rushing by the end, feeling the pressure of the minutes quickly passing by. I didn't have a chance to proofread or anything so hopefully I didn't do anything too stupid like leave unfinished sentences and stuff... which I've been known to do. We'll see. Now I just have a midterm tomorrow morning, and then I can chill out! yay! haha.

I'll write more later.

I Am Basque

My father is 100% Basque, and my mother is 75% Basque, making me.. very Basque. hah. Anyway I had always heard things about how we were different, blah blah blah, with certain distinct physical features and a different language but never really thought much of it until now. I decided to investigate and came across this really interesting article, which maybe I shouldn't give so much credit - but is still intersting.

The Article

It described my physical characteristics perfectly. Apparently we might descend from a different species?
Oh and Euskera (The language of the Basques) is the oldest language in Europe, is unrelated to any other language, and no one really knows where it came from. Cool.

According to wikipedia:

"Surrounded by Romance-language speakers, the Basques traditionally spoke (and many still speak) a language that was not only non-Romance but non-Indo-European. Although the evidence is open to question, the prevailing belief among Basques, and forming part of their national identity, is that their language has continuity to the people who were in this region not merely in pre-Roman times, but in pre-Celtic times, quite possibly before the great invasions of Europe by Asian tribes."

Music Videos

So the past few days I've become pretty obsessed with this whole feminism thing. Its like I'm just now realizing how fucked up society is, in more ways that I thought. And I keep getting angrier and angrier, while on the other hand, feeling empowered and motivated to do something about it. I am for the first time in my life beginning to understand so many of the negative feelings and resentments I've internalized. Maybe this is just a phase, and I'll get over it - but I doubt it. I think to myself, how about only a few months ago I didn't even think of myself as a feminist - wanting to dissociate myself with all of its negative connotations these days.

Anyway, during one of our classes our prof. showed us the No Doubt video for "I'm Just a Girl." I used to love this song a few years ago, but never actually paid attention to what it was SAYING. Many of my favorite songs are actually making points about society and these very issues that I care about! I have been singing along, while remaining completely and utterly naive. Anyway, some youtube videos for you of said songs. My respect for these artists has just doubled. =)

Christina Aguilera ft. Lil' Kim - Can't Hold Us Down


No Doubt (Gwen Stefani) - I'm Just A Girl


Pink - Stupid Girls