My Feelings Exactly

I've been reading into a lot of feminist blogs lately, and this entry caught my attention:

Can I Walk You Home?

Last Saturday I walked home alone at 3am, after persuading one female and four male friends that 'I would be ok'. When I got in I received a text from one of the male friends saying he felt really guilty for 'letting' me walk home on my own and asking if I'd got back ok.

Although I appreciate their concern as a sign of their friendship, as usual I felt extremely irritated, not only because I think it's a crying shame that my male friends have to feel guilty and mean if they don't conform to the role of protector and walk me home, but because of the simple fact that they felt the need to ask if I needed escorting home in the first place. As I said to the friend who texted me, it wouldn't even cross his mind to ask if I would be 'ok' walking home alone during the daytime, yet he feels it is his duty to walk me home at night, when I am statistically in no more danger. In fact, although I of course didn't mention this, I am more at risk with him than on my own as most sexual assaults and rapes are committed by someone known to the victim. The idea that I am safe in his home and safe in my home but not safe on the street is also statistically ludicrous as most sexual assualts and rapes take place in the home.

Yet when do I worry about rape? When I'm walking home on my own after dark. It is ALL I think about - who is walking behind me? where is that car going? what would I do if it happened? where would I go? who would I tell? would anyone hear me shout? and eventually I take out my house keys and push them between my fingers so I blind my attacker when he lunges at me.

I, of all people, KNOW that I am not in any more danger than usual, yet I still cannot get these thoughts out of my head. And - guess what - before people started asking if I would be 'ok' walking home on my own, before I got that look of mingled astonishment, concern and scorn every time I say I'm going to walk home alone - 'alone?!?' - at night - 'at night?!?' - I didn't have these thoughts. After exposure to this social judgement, what used to feel like a normal, functional act now feels like an act of defiance and bravado; I will purposely tell people I am walking home alone just to prove that I can do it.

How ridiculous is that? I feel defiant and almost proud in the fact that I, a twentyone year old adult, am capable of walking to my front door without help.

I am living in a society in which the act of a person walking unescorted to their door after dark is seen as transgressional, out of the ordinary, the act of a foolish and pig-headed individual who causes unnecessary grief for both herself and others by refusing an escort. Of course, I say 'herself' because this only applies to female individuals; men are free to walk, or take the bus, or a taxi, or drive, or run, skip, hop, march, whatever they want, whenever they want, wherever they want without public disapproval, without feeling oppressed by their own paranoid thoughts, without feeling foolhardy, without making their friends feel guilty, and without running the risk of being able to defend themselves in court should they be raped on the way home.

I am living in a society in which public opinion gives men free reign to do as they please while forcing women to be constantly on guard, in which men must be either protectors or attackers and women either potential or actual victims, in which the right to freedom of movement is dependent on whether or not one has a penis.

I am living in a patriarchal society, and don't I fucking know it.

I am realizing that so many times other people are so better able to express my thoughts. You guys should read more of her blog. She has many many interesting/thought provocative entries. Her Blogspot!

Lily Allen

My current obsession is Lily Allen. Check it:

This one is my favorite song:



This one is just rather humerus:

I'm A Quitter!

So I got an e-mail from my coach today:

Hi Irene,
I haven't seen you at practice so far this semester, so just wanted to confirm with you that you are not planning to row this season with the team. Let me know if you are no longer on the team, or are planning on being a part of the team but haven't' been able to make the team sessions because of your schedule.
Thanks
Anna

I responded with (Mike helped me think of what to say):

Dear Anna,
I was hoping to row this season for the team, but I have been having many conflicts with the schedule. However, once we start morning practices, I feel that I will be able to make practices, especially since the team needs members. I plan on running to Harvard tomorrow morning, so we can discuss this more then. Thank you for your concern.
Sincerely,
Irene

Then I thought more and sent another email:

Dear Anna,
Sorry for the last e-mail. I have thought things over, and realize I really won't be a positive contribution to the team. Ultimately my schoolwork has to come first, and I'm simply finding it too challenging to keep up with both. However I really hope you have a great season!
Sincerely,
Irene

This is still sinking. I could hear my mother's voice echoing in my mind as I wrote the second email. I could hear her telling me so many times that I can't do everything. That I need to stop trying to be a people pleaser. I realized that no I don't enjoy it. I enjoy working out, I even enjoy rowing, but I don't enjoy crew. I don't care much for most of my teammates. If I'm going to be spending this much time doing something I would like to be with a group of people I really like. I don't want to go to any more team dinners wishing I was eating with my own friends. I don't want to go to the gym anymore wishing I was there with my friends instead. I don't want to keep letting this team down because I keep missing practice because I have classes, and yes I believe my schoolwork is more important, and if I didn't have class I had too much work, some other activity I couldn't miss, or I was just simply too tired. I guess it was so hard for me to quit because I knew that they barely have enough people to make a team and they really needed me. But either way I'd be letting everyone down. Ugh. The word "quitter" just keeps resonating throughout me. Yet again, another failure. I feel ashamed? I feel lame. I feel like I just wasn't good enough. Quitting admits defeat. I don't like defeat. So is life. I guess it gets easier every time. Someday I'll figure out exactly what I want.

Well at least now that I don't have to stay here for spring break I will be going home! I can't wait, I'm already sick of this place again. I feel trapped. Although I'm coming back early because my sister and brother in law already confirmed a flight to come visit me at the end of break, thinking I'd be here because of crew. Oh well, it should be fun I haven't seen them in forever. I'll have to clean my room...

I Do Stupid Things

I'm not even sure what I'm writing about. Let's see.

I burned my hand the other day while trying to take oodles of noodles out of the microwave. In squeezing the cup the hot liquid spilled all over my hand. My hand is still red... I need warning labels!! =P

Today I attended my 9:30 Monday class for the first time... ever... Of course I then managed to skip my other two classes for the day. After my 9:30 class I walked over to Dowling. I am always a fan of shortcuts, so I decided to go across the snow rather than staying on the nice pathway. I soon realized what a bad idea this was as the snow was really a big sheet of ice and I fell on my ass. I couldn't stand back up, so I just pushed myself along on my ass until I reached the road. This guy was staring at me and laughing hysterically.

Last night I ordered cheesy bread and kickers. I was sooo hungry at the time, but pretty much right after taking the first two bites I realized I wasn't that hungry anymore and it was a bad idea to get so much food. I still have leftovers and now its just cold and gross.

This weekend the female step team, Envy, had its first competition at Williams. We won second place, only preceded by Blackout, the Tufts male step team. Did I mention I go to Tufts? Well I do. I really think I've improved soo much at stepping since last semester. I'm so glad my friends supported me/convinced me to join. One of the best decisions I've made in a while... and I make a LOT of bad decisions.

This weekend I slept like 3 hours during a 48 hour time period. It was no problem, and then Sunday I went to sleep at like 4, and pretty much slept until 7 am. I was like wow, for the first time ever I'll be well rested to stay awake the whole day. I went to my 9:30 class, got breakfast, and then had about an hour until my next class. I wasn't even that tired, but I decided to take a nap. What an awful idea. I then proceeded to sleep until 7 pm. How can I even sleep so much? I'm pretty much permanently tired regardless of how much I've slept. This really is a problem.

I finally cleaned my room. I even swept the floor. I mainly just have issues with keeping clothes in their proper place. I usually use the floor as my hamper, closet, and chest of drawers.

I don't know what else to say for now.

Later

So is Life...

I was just so exhausted. I passed out at around 12:30, but then woke up at 2:30. I was then wide awake, so decided I might as well take a needed shower. Its now almost 5:30, and I can't sleep. Its a vicious cycle because I can't make myself sleep. The only way to correct this is to force myself to wake up the next day, be miserable for a day and then pass out from exhaustion. I keep trying, but just keep failing. In turn I sleep during the day, and miss about half of my classes. Other people manage to attend every single class without question. For me its a daily struggle. Everything is a struggle.

I was trying so hard this semester to change things. It was going to be different, I was going to do well and not give up. Yet I already feel like I'm hitting the breaking point again. I've already failed two tests this semester. I've only had two tests this semester. I can make up a series of excuses for why I failed each to make myself feel better, but really they're just excuses. I fucked things up once again. I like to say that I'm a member of the crew team, but how can I call myself that when I skip more practices then I attend. Once again I tell myself, oh well my classes run late, or I had midterms, or I was just so stressed this week. These excuses aren't convincing me or my teammates. I could easily go straight to practice right after class. Why couldn't I wake myself up that morning? Why did I decide to get drunk the night before and miss practice? I thought about quitting, but after talking to a teammate, they really really need me. So now I just feel guilty. Either way I'm a let down. If I quit the team I let them down, if I don't quit but don't put the effort I let the team down. I'm trying I tell myself I really am. But am I? I just need to get my priorities straight. But then there goes my social life, and without any social life I go insane. Without my dinners with my friends, or just hanging out from time to time I don't think I could handle it. But then if its not my social life, then its my schoolwork.

Ultimately I'm just overwhelmed, and yet I don't even feel like I'm doing enough. I feel like the biggest slacker ever. I see people around me with jobs, taking hard classes, studying late in the library or in eaton, double majoring, with all sorts of extracurriculars. I just don't match up. I mean yeh, I'm not supposed to compare myself to other people... as long as I try hard blah blah blah. But really, when it comes down to it, isn't everything just a big competition? I'm trying to regain my focus, but day after day passes, week after week, and I'm just not changing.

I haven't even touched my violin or saxophone this entire year. I try not to care, but obviously I do if I can't stop thinking about it.

I feel like there is so much unnecessary drama in my life, and really its only drama because I care. I am angry and hurt. I'm not over it, and I feel betrayed. How can you lead me on like that for so long, and then with absolutely no explanation, just drop me. Just drop me and step on me. You pretended to care. Were you seriously faking everything? Just as I started to trust you I realize what a mistake that was. And then you, who I finally forgot about decide to come waltzing back into my life. I told myself not to have hard feelings, and yet you let me down once again. Well thanks for nothing, please just let me be. And then there is you, you pretend to be such a nice person, but really you're just using me and you know it. You know how I feel about it, and I suppose its partly my fault for letting it happen, but really I blame you. You should know better than to do this to me. And so I try and find comfort elsewhere, but I will ultimately just be hurting others and myself.

My eating habits have gone to shit. I eat candy or cookies just about every night. I don't ever eat breakfast or lunch. I binge eat pizza just about every week... and then I wonder why I still look pregnant.

I don't want to feel like this anymore. I feel like I'm repeating myself. I keep rewriting the same post over and over again. I want to reach the day where I will only write about happy things, and how great things are. I want to reach the day where I don't even have time for a journal because everything is so fabulous. I at least want to be upset about something else. But so is life.

A Poem For You:

Love may be beautiful, love may be bliss
But I only slept with you because I was pissed.

I thought that I could love no other
Until, that is, I met your brother

Roses are red, violets are blue, sugar is sweet, and so are you.
But the roses are wilting, the violets are dead, the sugar bowl's empty,
and so is your head.

Of loving beauty you float with grace
If only you could hide your face

Kind, intelligent, loving, and hot
This describes everything you are not

I want to feel your sweet embrace
But don't take that paper bag off of your face

I love your smile, your face, and your eyes-
Damn, I'm good at telling lies!

Hello Journal

I have succumbed to making a blog here. I haven't decided if this will actually replace my livejournal, or if I will simply use both. I suppose it is time for a needed change. A new journal for a new me. If you guys want to check out my past journals, I have literally hundreds of entries to entertain/bore you with.

Livejournal 274 entries (10/24/04 - 2/9/07)
Diaryland 272 entries (5/30/03 - 10/24/04)